


Ready or Not

by emmerrr



Series: To live will be an awfully big adventure [12]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Allison-centric, F/F, Gen, Graduation, Introspection, thoughts on the past and on the future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 11:56:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16039994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmerrr/pseuds/emmerrr
Summary: Not for the first time, Allison ruminated over whether it was harder to stay or to leave. So often, both seemed such terrifying prospects.





	Ready or Not

**Author's Note:**

> this has been a WIP for months but i finally sat down and finished it today. if i sit on it for too long i'll never end up posting it but i want to because allison (and renison) deserve more content so i hope people read and enjoy this! i also kind of wanted to give seth some sort of closure as well, not that that's really possible given how he died but...yeah. i'm gonna shut up now.

Allison awoke early — too early — on the morning of graduation day.

Renee slept soundly beside her, arms tucked close to her chest and the pastel rainbow tips of her hair spread out on the pillow behind her. Renee was a quiet sleeper; her breaths were near silent and she didn’t really fidget or move in the night. More often than not, Allison would find her in the exact position she’d fallen asleep in.

They were the only two in the suite, as Dan had elected to spend the night with Matt, wanting to soak up all the time she possibly could with him. They would all be leaving Fox Tower the following day, but Matt and the others would be back in a month for summer practices. For Allison, Dan, and Renee, it was a leaving of the far more permanent kind.

Not for the first time, Allison ruminated over whether it was harder to stay or to leave. So often, both seemed such terrifying prospects. That being said, Allison had always been highly adaptable.

It wasn’t quite dawn and yet Allison could already tell she’d be unable to get back to sleep. She debated going to knock on Neil’s suite door to get him and Kevin to come on a run with her, but it was most likely too early even for Neil to be persuaded, and besides, she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted the company.

She watched Renee sleep for a few minutes, her thoughts drifting — as they had been with increasing frequency the closer they got to graduation — towards Seth.

There was no way to accurately envision how Seth would have reacted to Allison and Renee becoming Allison-and-Renee. Or rather, there was, but Allison wasn’t sure she really wanted to go there. On the days when she was feeling more generous, such as today, she liked to think that although he’d probably be upset at first, he’d get over it, and then eventually he’d be happy for them.

She _liked_ to think that. But then again it was so much easier to give the dead the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe it didn’t matter anyway. For all she knew, had Seth lived, Allison and Renee might never have happened, although Allison couldn’t imagine that now.

Renee felt inevitable in a way Seth never had. Allison didn’t mean that unkindly. It was just the truth.

It didn’t mean that she missed him any less, or that the grief over the needlessness of his death had diminished any. She was still so angry, was the thing, although Riko’s own death had done wonders to calm the vortex of fury that had been swirling within Allison for the months prior. In that respect, at least, justice had been served.

To anyone outside their circle, however, Seth had just had another relapse. Another troubled Fox who couldn’t and wouldn’t help himself, another victim of his own choices who had let his demons beat him in the end. And maybe if Riko hadn’t tipped the scales that night, it would have happened another night somewhere down the road anyway, this time an overdose of Seth’s own making.

Or, he might never have relapsed ever again.

It was the ‘or’ that killed Allison to think about. It was torture that they’d never get to know what Seth might have made of himself, if he’d only lived.

Quietly, Allison slipped out of bed. She pulled on her discarded jeans from last night and grabbed the nearest hoodie — which turned out to be Dan’s — and tugged it over her head. She scraped her hair back into a ponytail then slipped on her sneakers.

“Allison?” Renee asked sleepily, her voice thick and confused, eyes just barely open.

“Go back to sleep, angel face,” Allison said, sitting on the edge of the bed next to Renee and running a soothing hand over her hair.

“Mm,” Renee agreed, eyes already closing again, the furrow that had appeared on her brow upon waking already smoothing out once again.

Allison leaned down and kissed her, once, twice, a third time. “I’ll be back before you wake up,” she whispered, and headed out.

* * *

 

Allison had been standing on the Foxhole Court staring at Seth’s banner for upwards of ten minutes when she suddenly sensed she was no longer alone. She didn’t turn. She knew who it would be.

“Do you think Seth would have made it?” she asked the approaching footsteps. “To graduation, I mean.”

Wymack finally drew level with her and followed her gaze up to the banner. He looked stoic as ever but there was a sadness in his eyes that Allison recognised all too well. He glanced at her. “What do _you_ think?”

Allison smiled wryly. “The thing about Seth being dead, is that I get to imagine any future that I want for him, and no one can tell me that I’m wrong.”

“Okay,” Wymack said. “So tell me.”

Allison hesitated. “I think…I think that he would have had a couple more hiccups along the way, but yes, I think he would have graduated, if only by the skin of his teeth.”

As soon as she said the words out loud, she found that she believed them, and the force of that belief caught in her throat when she next drew a breath.

Wymack gave her a moment to gather herself and then, with gentle gruffness, asked, “What would he have done next?”

Allison slowly started to walk the perimeter of the inner court, looking through the plexiglass into the stands as she spoke, Wymack keeping pace beside her. She took her time answering. She wanted to do Seth justice.

“He wouldn’t have gotten signed by the pros. It’s a nice thought but…no. I can’t see it. If he and I were still together by the time he graduated, we’d have broken up for good soon after. But I think it would have been okay. I think we’d have both been okay with it.”

This was something that she’d thought about a lot, and in the end it was really what she thought would have happened. She just wished that they’d been able to make that decision themselves, instead of Seth getting murdered and the choice being snatched away. It meant there was always going to be a question mark now; as sure as Allison _felt,_ she’d never truly get to know how their story would have ended because in _this_ version, it ended in the cruellest possible way.

She curled and uncurled her fists, trying to calm the righteous anger that had risen up in her. It still caught her off-guard sometimes, the rage. She wondered if it would ever go away completely. At the very least, she knew how to channel it into something productive.

Allison cleared her throat and continued.

“I think…I think he wouldn’t have gone too far after graduating. Maybe he’d move to Columbia, I don’t know. But I think, at least at first, he’d want to stay sort of in the area. Near a support system.” She gave Wymack a meaningful look, knowing he’d understand that she meant Seth would have felt more comfortable with Wymack nearby. “He’d get a job. I don’t know what, but something steady, and he’d join some local Exy team and play once a week or whatever. Just for fun.

“He’d meet somebody, eventually, and I don’t know if they’d get married but they’d definitely have kids. And Seth would be a _good_ dad.” Allison felt this with a fierce conviction; if he’d lived to have kids, Seth Gordon would have been the kind of father that he had never had himself.

“I don’t know what else. He’d be as happy as he could be, I guess. He’d have made it. He’d have been okay.”

She lapsed into silence; there didn’t seem to be anything to add. The best she could offer Seth’s memory was an imagined future of a wonderfully ordinary life. It had to be enough.

“Well,” Wymack said when it was clear Allison was finished, “who’s to say that isn’t what would have happened?”

“Exactly.” Allison smiled. “Who’s to say?” They had come full circle now, finding themselves back underneath Seth’s banner, and Allison gestured up towards it. “Will it ever get taken down?”

“Not as long as I’ve got anything to say about it.”

Allison nodded; she could trust Wymack with this, at least. “I just…” she started, then trailed off. She tried again. “I hate the idea that he’ll be forgotten. That people will forget that he was a Fox just as much as the rest of us.”

“Will _you_ forget?”

“Of course not.”

“Good. Neither will I.”

Allison hadn’t put any make-up on before she’d left, partly because it was so early and she knew she’d be seen by few people, but partly because she knew she was heading to the court to think about Seth and there was a potential for tears.

If asked, she would say she didn’t expect to be disturbed, but everyone knew Wymack liked his early starts.

With him here now, there was nowhere to hide, no walls to pull up around her as her eyes welled up and spilled over.

“Hey,” Wymack said in a tone he hadn’t used with her since Seth had first died. Allison stumbled towards him and buried her face in his shirt; she felt his arms close clumsily around her. Wymack wasn’t always much of a hugger, but then again Allison rarely sought comfort like this.

It was just a bit much, that was all. It was already going to be an emotional day, and it somehow felt like leaving Seth behind all over again but in an even more permanent way, which shouldn’t have made sense considering there had already been a funeral.

It was also suddenly striking Allison that this was probably going to be the last chance she’d get to speak to Wymack alone whilst still being one of his Foxes. She was going to miss him.

After a moment, Wymack grumbled, “I’m gonna have to change my shirt at this rate.”

Allison managed a choked laugh, but she didn’t move just yet. “Well, this is a terrible shirt, so I’ve done you a favour, really.”

“All part of your genius plan, huh?”

“You know me far too well.” Allison sniffed noisily, but she thought that she felt a little better. “You gonna miss us, Coach?”

Wymack’s hold tightened, ever so slightly, just for a second. “Oh, kiddo. You have _no_ idea.”

* * *

 

The sun had risen by the time Allison left the court, although it was still early and hardly anybody was about. She parked her Porsche next to Matt’s truck and got out, meandering slowly towards the entrance to Fox Tower.

As she went in, Dan and Neil were just coming down the stairs, dressed ready for a run.

“Hey,” Dan said brightly. “I wondered where you were when I didn’t see you in the suite. I tried asking Renee but she’s dead to world, what were you two doing last night?”

Allison gave Dan a withering look and Dan laughed. “Alright, fair enough, stupid question. My _point_ is, you’re up early. You okay?”

Allison shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep. Went down to the court. What are you two doing?”

Dan draped an arm around Neil’s shoulder. “It’s graduation day, which means I officially have to pass the torch over to this one.”

“She said she’s got last minute captainly wisdom to share with me,” Neil added. He looked very serious next to Dan’s mischievous grin and Allison was overcome with affection for both of them. Her captains.

“Well, clock’s ticking, better soak it up while you still can,” Allison said. She meant it lightly, but Neil’s answering smile didn’t quite meet his eyes. He had been on the quiet side over the last week, noticeably so. He seemed to be torn between sticking close to Andrew for the obvious comfort he got there, and hanging out with the graduating seniors before they left.

Neil wasn’t used to goodbyes quite like this, Allison realised. He wasn’t used to being the one who stayed. Her mind skipped ahead to two years time when the cousins would all graduate, and Neil would be left without any of his original Fox family who had fought so hard to keep him.

It hurt her heart to think about it.

Dan pulled Neil along to the door, and called, “Remember, team breakfast at nine!” over her shoulder at Allison, who waved her understanding.

She took the stairs back up to their floor and let herself into the suite, walking into the bedroom just as Renee’s alarm started going off shrilly. Allison checked her phone as Renee started blindly swatting for her alarm clock; it was 7am.

After Renee had missed several times, Allison turned the alarm off for her and hopped onto the bed.

“Good morning, beautiful,” she sing-songed, and Renee scrubbed at her eyes before lowering her hands away from her face.

She smiled serenely up at Allison. “Mornin’,” she murmured sleepily. “Big day.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Allison flopped down next to Renee and tucked her face into the warmth of Renee’s neck. “I should have started getting ready like, at _least_ an hour ago.”

Renee’s hand came up to stroke Allison’s hair. “You’ve got time,” she said, and Allison hummed in response, even though she was doubtful. But it was hard to care when she was so damn comfortable.

They stayed there quietly wrapped up in each other for a few minutes, until Allison was fairly certain that she’d fall asleep imminently if she didn’t move. She blew a raspberry into Renee’s neck and was rewarded by a shrieking giggle as Renee gently batted her away. “You’re a _menace,_ Allison Reynolds, I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“It’s because you love me,” Allison said as she extrapolated herself, and Renee’s answering soft smile was all the confirmation Allison needed.

Allison stripped as she crossed the room and grabbed her towel off the back of the door. She hesitated in the doorway and turned around.

“Y’know,” she said thoughtfully, “it’ll save both time _and_ water if you shower with me.”

“That isn’t even remotely true,” Renee said, but she was already getting to her feet.

She followed Allison to the bathroom, just like Allison knew she would.

* * *

 

Team breakfast was a rambunctious affair. Spirits were relatively high thanks to summer looming over them, teeming with possibility.

As for Allison, she knew exactly how she’d be spending her summer: moving into a new apartment and gearing up for her first season in the pro-leagues. Dan already had a coaching gig lined up, and Renee was starting a job at a non-profit in August. The three of them would be separated for the first time in five years, something that Allison didn’t really think was going to hit her until it suddenly became her reality. In particular, she and Renee would be doing long-distance for a little while, but they’d make it work. They’d both made it clear they wanted it to work.

After breakfast, Allison, Renee and Dan had to hurry across campus to the Palmetto University theatre where the graduation ceremony was to take place so that they could pick up their robes and take their seats.

Although she objectively understood the logistical reasons behind all of the graduates having to sit in alphabetical order, in reality Allison was annoyed that they couldn’t just all sit with their friends. They were all about to be separated anyway; what was the harm in allowing them a little extra time?

It wasn’t that she didn’t really know any of the people she was sitting with, because she did; they’d been classmates for years, they were fine, they were people she saw and spoke to and joked with, but they weren’t her _people._ They were background characters in Allison’s college experience, names that she’d forget in years to come. Renee and Dan at least got to sit relatively close together, a couple of rows behind Allison in a sea of orange robes. She turned to find Renee’s eyes already on her, and she blew her a kiss just to make Renee smile before turning back around as they waited.

The audience was starting to file in by now; parents and guardians, friends and family finding their seats. Two of Dan’s stage sisters had made it out for the occasion, and Matt’s mom had also come to see her future daughter-in-law graduate. (It wasn’t official yet, but it was only a matter of time. Matt already had the ring; Allison had seen it.) Stephanie Walker had of course flown in for Renee, the pride evident in her face every time she looked at Renee. Allison wondered if her own parents even knew she was graduating today.

It was an old wound, but it still hurt if Allison scratched at it.

She didn’t know what she’d been expecting, really. That at some point during her time at PSU her parents would call her up and tell her they’d secretly been watching all her games and that they were proud? That they understood and respected her decisions and she was welcomed back into the family? Allison wasn’t even sure if she wanted that, necessarily. But sometimes it felt like she wanted _something_ from them; some acknowledgement of how far she’d come.

Inexplicably, she was reminded of being six years old at the swimming pool of her childhood home, trying to get her parents to watch her dive into the water and being summarily ignored.  _"Watch me, Mommy! Watch me!"_

But they hadn't watched then, and they weren't here to watch now. They wouldn't see what Allison had accomplished without their help or approval.

Everyone here had someone who’d come just for them, to witness this metaphorical passing into the next stage of the lives. Someone who was in their corner, who’d seen where they’d been and would be there to see where they were going. There was no one here for Allison.

The graduation ceremony had started by now, someone behind the podium giving the commencement address. His words washed over Allison without making an impact, but she perked up a bit when they finally started calling names so people could cross the stage to collect their degrees. Row by row, the graduates moved up until Allison’s row would be the next to be called.

Now at the front, she turned and scanned the crowd, looking for a friendly face.

Matt’s height made him easy to spot in any crowd, and once Allison had found him, she found everyone else too. Not all of the Foxes had come, but most had. Neil sat to Matt’s right, Andrew on his other side. Nicky, Kevin and Aaron had found seats just behind them, and Wymack and Abby were on Matt’s other side.

This was Allison’s family, she realised with a startling sort of clarity. They didn’t always get along, but this was the family she’d laughed with and played with, that she’d fought with and for, that she’d bled with, and that she loved. This was the family that she had chosen, and that she would continue to choose.

She wasn’t alone; all of her Foxes were there for her, and for Dan and Renee. How could she ever feel alone when she had all of them standing at her back?

“Allison Reynolds,” she heard the Dean say, and just about had the presence of mind to march forward and shake his hand.

She didn’t need her parents to be proud of her. Renee was proud; Dan was; Matt, Neil and Kevin were. Wymack and Abby were prouder of her than her own parents had _ever_ been.

Most importantly, she was proud of herself.

Degree in hand, she elegantly tossed her graduation tassel from the left to the right, shooting a grin to her adoring public.

Allison Reynolds, university graduate, professional Exy player. It had a certain ring to it.

* * *

 

There were photos afterwards. A lot of them. Different variations of the three new graduates, each taking turns to stand in the middle, posing for as many people who wanted their own versions of the pictures.

There had already been a photo of the whole team taken prior to their final game of the season that would go up on the wall at the stadium, but they took another one today, of the original Fox family who had shown up to watch their graduating members.

A party was planned for that night back at Fox Tower, but before everyone dispersed for the afternoon, Allison handed Renee her camera then grabbed Kevin and Neil for a photo.

Matt aside, they were the two remaining Foxes she was going to miss the most. Thanks to early morning runs and workouts, she’d spent an inordinate amount of time with them this year, and the prospect of not having them just down the hall from her at any given moment was more unsettling than she wanted to admit.

She couldn’t believe how much Kevin, of all people, had grown on her.

“Do we have to,” Kevin grumbled as Allison manhandled him and Neil over towards a quieter area out on the grass, in front of a tree.

“Yes,” Allison said. “We really, really do.”

Her heels sinking into the grass, Allison linked one arm through Kevin’s and draped the other over Neil’s shoulders, tucking him into her side.

“Okay guys, say ‘Exy’,” Renee said, holding the camera up to her face.

“Oh, babe, no, can’t we say ‘cheese’ or something normal instead?”

“No,” Renee said cheerfully.

They all drawled, “Exy,” and then the flash went off as Renee took a photograph.

She looked at the display and persed her lips on a barely restrained laugh. “Uh, I think I’d better take another one,” she said.

A few of photographs later, they finally had one where Neil’s eyes were open and where Kevin’s smile looked more genuine and less public-practiced. Allison, naturally, looked amazing in all of them.

They looked over Renee’s shoulder as she flipped through the photographs.

“Can I—” Neil started hesitantly, and then continued at Renee’s encouraging smile, “Can I get a copy of that?”

Allison grinned and ruffled his hair. “Course you can, honey. I’ll make copies of all of them, you can take your pick.”

“Well, if you’re making spares _anyway,_ I’ll take a copy as well,” Kevin said, with the air of someone who thought he was doing them a favour.

“No worries, Kev,” Allison said sweetly. “I know it’ll be a poor substitute for actually seeing my face every day, but I hope it eases your pain a little bit.”

He scowled at her, but didn’t argue. She knew he’d miss her, even if he’d never admit it in a million years.

Neil, on the other hand, would.

They walked slowly back to the rest of the group, Renee and Kevin a little ahead of them, arm in arm. Allison still had an arm around Neil, her head tilted a little and resting on his.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said quietly. “All of you.”

“I know, Neil. We’re gonna miss you too. But you know that we’re not just going to vanish, right?”

Neil said nothing, which spoke volumes, really. Eventually, he shrugged.

Allison squeezed him a little harder, just to make him feel it. “It won’t be like before. It’s change and it’s scary. And I know it’s even scarier to be the one who stays sometimes. But we’re your family, and you can’t get rid of us that easily. We’ll visit when we can, and _you_ can visit whenever you want. And I’ll always be on the other end of the phone if you need me.”

It took him a few seconds, but then Neil nodded. “Thank you,” he said. “I’ll keep in touch. I promise.”

“You better.” Allison hip-checked him lightly. “Oh hey, and fuck you for making me get all sentimental by the way. You’re ruining my image.”

“Nah,” Neil said, but he was smiling at last, properly. “And congratulations, by the way. Proud of you.”

Allison beamed. “I’m proud of me, too.”

* * *

 

The afternoon had been spent with last minute packing before getting ready for the party. They had the run of the basement again, and Wymack had handed Dan the team p-card for the last time, which she’d used to order an unholy amount of pizza.

Nicky and Andrew had gone shopping and returned with far more booze than even the Foxes would be able to put away, but it was appreciated all the same. Andrew had set himself up by the alcohol table near the start of the party and had been making cocktails for anyone who asked for them. He’d made Allison something pink and fruity. She wasn’t sure exactly what was in it and she didn’t ask, but it was _strong._

It seemed vitally important to remember everything all of a sudden, like it was just hitting her that this was the last time she’d be here, at least as a student. She’d never have another graduation party, she’d never again be living in the pockets of her best friends, she’d never again have a routine quite like the one she’d become accustomed to in the last five years. She was going to miss it all so much.

She stepped out of the basement at sometime close to 1am, needing a moment to herself just to think. The roof would be an ideal place to go, but Neil and Andrew had disappeared a while ago, and whilst it was very possible that they’d just gone to bed, the roof was widely known by now to be their spot, and Allison didn’t want to risk interrupting them. She left the building instead, walking a little way past the parking lot and sitting on a bench, staring up at the stars.

She wished sometimes that she could just feel one thing at a time. It was so much; she was nostalgic for her college days when she hadn’t quite left them yet, she was excited and apprehensive for the start of her career in the pro-leagues, she was looking forward to moving into her new place and spending part of the summer with Renee, but _then_ Renee had her own new job to start, and Allison missed her already.

It was everything at once, all the time.

Allison brushed an errant tear off her cheek and blamed it on the alcohol.

“Hey,” said an oh-so familiar voice, and Allison turned her head to see Renee had quietly made her way out. The expression on her face said that she could see Allison’s tears and she frowned slightly. “Can I sit here?”

Allison flashed a watery smile and nodded. Renee sat beside her on the bench.

“What are you thinking about?” Renee asked.

“You,” Allison said, because that was at least partly true.

Renee found Allison’s hand on the bench and linked their fingers together. “Thinking about me made you sad?”

“I’m not sad, baby. I was just…it’s the future, you know? It always seemed so far off, and now it’s _here.”_

Renee squeezed her hand. “Are you scared?”

Allison shrugged. “A little? I’m excited, and I was thinking about spending the summer with you, but then I remembered you had to leave again at the end of it, and it’s just…”

“Change,” Renee finished for her quietly, perfect understanding, and Allison let out a breath.

“Yeah.”

“It’s going to be hard,” Renee said, and Allison pulled her closer, into her lap. She wrapped her arms around Renee’s middle and pressed a kiss to her shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bum you out.”

“You didn’t. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Allison tilted her face up towards Renee until Renee got the hint and kissed her. “I am now,” she mumbled against Renee’s lips. “You always know just what to say.”

Renee laughed breathily, warming Allison’s face. She tasted of strawberries; Andrew must have made her some kind of strawberry mocktail. “I didn’t really say anything.”

“You said enough.” Allison kissed her again. And again.

“You okay now?” Renee asked after a few lazy minutes.

“I’m okay. Are you okay?”

Renee nodded. “Better than okay.”

“Well as long as everyone’s okay,” Allison said.

“Stop saying okay, it’s starting to lose all meaning,” Renee said, hiding a giggle into Allison’s hair.

“Okay.”

_“Allison.”_

Renee stood up and then held a hand out to pull Allison to her feet. Hand in hand, they slowly made their way back towards Fox Tower.

“Do you want to go back to the party?” Renee asked. “I think I might go up to bed.”

Allison was usually one of the last people standing when it came to parties, but graduation had turned out to be every bit of an emotional day as everyone always said it was. She was exhausted, and she was partied out, and honestly, if Renee was going to bed, there was nowhere else Allison would rather be.

“I’ll come with you, if you don’t mind,” she said.

Renee smiled softly and started to pull Allison up the stairs.

“I don’t mind.”

The future was happening, and Allison couldn't stop it even if she wanted to.

_Ready or not, here I come._

**Author's Note:**

> dan and matt were supposed to have bigger roles in this i'm sorry, one of these days i'll write something that gives them the focus they deserve.


End file.
